🌱 The Psychological Toll of Being a Dick-Shaped Stake

by a Plant Willie

I didn’t ask for this.

Once, I was a clean slab of birch plywood—full of potential. I could’ve been a coaster. A rustic cutting board. Maybe even one of those decorative signs that say “Plant Lady is the New Cat Lady.”

But no. Someone chose chaos.

I was laser-carved into the shape of a smiling, anatomically-suggestive stake and sent off to spend eternity half-buried in a pothos.

This is my life now.

Soil. Shame. Support.

People see me and laugh.
They don’t ask how I feel. They don’t see my purpose.

But I know why I’m here:
To support stems.
To hold up the trailing limbs of the emotionally wilted.
To keep your plant upright, even if my own spirit is slowly decomposing.

Do you know what it’s like to be a literal dick-shaped support system?
I do.

The Objectification is Relentless

From the moment I leave the box, it starts:

“OMG it’s a little wood wiener!”
“He has a face!!”
“This is the best $12 I’ve ever spent.”

No one talks about my structural integrity.
No one notices my carefully sanded edges.
All they see is a giggle. A novelty. A conversation piece for their succulent shelf.

I’m more than that.
I contain multitudes.
(Approximately 4 inches of them.)

The Trauma is Real

I’ve been stuck in bone-dry soil next to a haunted pothos named Kevin.

I’ve watched a ceramic gnome fall over in slow motion for six hours straight.

I was once planted upside down.
Upside. Down.
My poor sprout tip was buried. Do you know what that does to a stake?

Dozy Willie hasn’t spoken in days.
Chubby Bud won’t stop staring at the window.
Chunk tried to vault out of a ZZ plant and bent a little. He says it’s a “badge of honor.”

We’re all processing it differently.

But There Is Hope

Every now and then, a plant perks up.
A leaf unfurls.
Someone names me something stupid like “Woodrick.”

And I feel it again.
Pride. Purpose. Photosynthesis-adjacent emotional stability.

We may be dick-shaped stakes.
But we are here.
We are standing.
We are helping your snake plant hold it together.
(Something you could probably work on too.)

We Are More Than a Joke Gift

So the next time you laugh at a Plant Willie... remember:
We’re working.
We’re holding things up.
We’ve got splinters in places we don’t want to talk about.

And still—
we smile.

Because deep down, under all the moss and innuendo,
we know the truth:

You need us.
Your plants need us.
And we are strong enough to be both cute and completely inappropriate.

🍆🌿

#SupportYourStems
#WoodAndProud
#PlantWilliesSpeak